The Strength In Our Scars

Mental Health.
Depression. 
Anxiety. 

I know I missed "Mental Health Day", but this is something that needs to be talked about more than just one day in October. This is something that needs awareness and education everyday. More than "40 seconds of action". Come on! I wanted to share this even more when recently I found out a beautiful young girl I know is suicidal. She reached out. She got help and her courage inspires me. What I would do to hold her tight and take her pain away.


So let’s talk about it for a second.

This has been sitting on my chest and weighing me down for far to long.

Something no one likes to talk about. We ALL have mental health. We all have highs and we all have lows, some lower than others. It's something that needs to be normalized. The way a cold is simply just that, normal, everyone gets a cold.

This is a far too sensitive subject.

You have a cold? You take medicine.

You have cancer? You get treatment.

You break a bone? You go get a cast.

You're diabetic? You take insulin.

You have a toothache? You go to the dentist and get it fixed.

You're pregnant? You go the doctor and get check ups.

You have a "normal" physical issue, you go get it treated. And NO ONE even bats a eye lash.

"Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden. It is easier to say, "My tooth is aching" than to say "my heart is broken"."

Far to many people with mental illness struggle alone in the dark. They want help, but they don't know how to ask for it. It's been such a taboo issue for so long. How do you tell someone you are not happy? How do you tell someone you are mentally in pain? How will they understand, or will they not understand at all? Will they laugh? Will I look weak? Will I always be this lonely? How do you tell someone you think something is wrong with your brain? It's hard to talk when you don't even know why you feel this way in the first place. There is no "snapping out of it".

I've been the one struggling in the dark alone, for far to long. I never asked for help, I just fought in silence, alone. I have scars. I found strength. I've told myself so many times the world would be a better place if I just withdrew myself from it. Those surrounding me, the closest people to me, had no idea the silent battles I fought. There is no trigger, you just get pulled into a cold, dark hole and try to climb your way out, back up to the surface to daylight, to warmth, to normal. I have debilitating anxiety at times. I literally can't breath, can't catch my breath, I stall and don't want to leave the house, I get overwhelmed with to many decisions, I overthink, I get mad and I just want to sleep and cry and wait for it to pass.

I've been the one witnessed to mental health, the aftermath. The ones who lost their battles. The hurt from both sides. The guilt. So much guilt. The what if's. The whys? The anger. Being a 15 year old scared girl, falling to my knees at the news, not being able to breath, move. How could this be true? They made a mistake! What if?

Being the partner of someone you love, and them being a victim to a loved one losing their battle with this disease. What if and why? And what can I possibly do to make you stop hurting? This is a nightmare we will wake up from. Sitting in my car alone at the grocery store, afraid to get out, afraid to go in, afraid to go home because there just isn't anything I can do or say to help and I can’t watch you in that much pain. But you need me and I need to be there for you. I couldn't even imagine the pain.

"Depression doesn't play favorites. It doesn't look the same on everyone. And it's often a disease that no one, but the person going through it knows about"

I have a fight to keep fighting. For ME, for my family. I deserve a happy life! BUT I know, I do not have to fight this alone. I love my life, I have such a good life. I have such a great family and I honestly can't ask for much more. Unfortunately depression doesn't care about all that. Depression doesn't care who you are. Depression doesn't care if you are rich or poor. Depression doesn't care if you are someones mother or father, daughter or sister, wife or husband, depression doesn't care if you're someones best friend. Depression doesn’t care. I’ve seen some of the kindest, happiest people emerge from the darkness. When life should have pounded them down to dust- they emerged as a wild fire and fought back.

I want my children to go through life knowing if they ever feel this way, its not their fault and there is help. I will support them every step of the way. I just hope if they reach out someone is listening. They need to live in a society where it is alright to reach out, they need to know it's normal to talk about this. Awareness needs to be raised so no one is afraid to ask for help. Life is hard, you are not a burden, you do not have to carry all your baggage alone.

Last year my 9 year old daughter was mad at me, she yelled "I want to die". That struck me so hard. Is she telling me something? Did she do it to upset me or does she really feel that way? What does a 9 year old know? I cried. I cried a lot. Do I have her go to school surrounded by friends? Do I make her stay home and talk about it? I sent her to school feeling like that was best. I called the counselor at school and asked her to talk to her. The counselor told me my daughter said what she did, knowing it would upset me. The counselor told me my daughter was very guarded and felt like she had no one to talk to. I cried even more. What a terrible mother I felt like!! Why can't my daughter talk to me? I realized she was turning out just like me guarded, stubborn. She says rude, mean things instead of expressing how she really feels. This is still something we are working on, will we ever not be working on this?- probably not for a long time. (As a adult I still catch myself shutting down and not letting people in, sometimes I just can't find my voice or the words.)  It’s exhausting and heart breaking, but my daughter's health and happiness is worth it. A annoying mom asking about your life is probably just as worse as a absent one. But I NEED her to know she can tell me anything and not feel guilt. I want her to know I can be her safe haven from any storm. I want her to know, with me, she can come completely undone.

Don't be afraid to ask for help!!! Depression and anxiety are liars, it is possible to be happy and people do care. I want to hear your story, I want your story to continue. It's time to start healing.

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds"